Pergola Project: Squirrels Had Other Plans

bc8768
Jul 1
2 min read

By Joe, Blue Collar Green Thumb

We bought one of those ready-to-assemble metal pergolas with the retractable canopy. Looked great in the pictures — sleek, shady, simple.

Instructions said: “2 people, 3 hours.”

Add squirrels, subtract sanity.

Pretend You’re in Control

I laid out all the pieces, organized the bolts, even watched the manufacturer’s painfully upbeat assembly video. My wife helped me hold the first post while I bolted the base down.

Then I heard it.

Chattering.

Not birds. Not wind.

Squirrels.

It Gets Weird

Two squirrels were up in the gutter right above where I needed to anchor the roof bracket. Not just twitchy little park squirrels — no. These were jacked, angry, full-grown house-gutter gremlins.

They weren’t just squeaking. They were arguing.

At one point I can testify I heard one yell,

“You always do this, Carl!”

Kung Fu Rodents

While I was on the ladder, drill in hand, trying to center the bracket, the squirrels launched into full combat.

There was tumbling. There was tail-whipping. One of them dropkicked the downspout and made the ladder shake. I had one foot on the rung and one in the air like some idiot in a Saturday morning cartoon.

I backed off. I value my spine.

Passive Aggression

I tried to wait them out. Sat on the patio, drank some water, stared up at the gutter like a man negotiating a hostage situation.

One squirrel peeked out and made eye contact.

Eye. Contact.

I don’t speak squirrel, but I felt the message:

“Go ahead, try it. We live here now.”

Back to Work

An hour later they vanished (probably to plan their next attack), and I finally got the bracket installed. My wife helped me get the canopy runner set up and we finished the frame just as it started to rain — because, of course it did.

The canopy works, the structure’s solid, and I’m proud of the build. But I swear I hear them every time I sit under it. Watching. Plotting.